we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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