On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
