god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
