Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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