i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Do vagina's smell?
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
