im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
