Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
