I showed him my bush... on skype.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
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