Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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