My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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