i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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