Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
