I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Everyone says I win the strip club
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
