this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
