Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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