I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
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