I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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