i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
