I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
