my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
