it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
