woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
