Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
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