I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
