if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
