My liver just broke up with me...
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
