I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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