I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
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