I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
