She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
