you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
