My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
