Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
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