I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
