just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
