im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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