u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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