You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
