hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
