good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize