dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
he just fucked me for my cheese.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
