I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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