I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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