look no pants
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
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