i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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