I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
