Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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