he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
