trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Who did Billy Mays play for?
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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