i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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