rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Randomize
