I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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