I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize