apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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