I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
did i just pee glitter
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Randomize
