Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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