I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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